Mom Jokes that Put Dad Jokes to Shame

37 Mom Jokes that Put Dad Jokes to Shame

As Mother’s Day approaches, you might be in search of some heartfelt Mother’s Day poems and quotes that celebrate a mother’s role or maybe even some special Bible verses about Mom. That’s not what you’ll find here! These quotes are meant to make you laugh about the hilarious challenges of motherhood. Take a minute to share some of these quips with the moms in your life.

Jokes about Motherhood

“The two amounts of pasta I’m best at cooking: 1. not enough 2. enough for 3,000 people.”

“It’s spicy: universal Mom Code for ‘I don’t want to share.’ “

“I’m homeschooling like that substitute teacher who rolls in the tv for a movie and just eats snacks in the back of the class.” @fruitsofmotherhood

“If I get through this quarantine without buying a tie-dye sweatsuit I can do anything.” @alyssalimp

“I love my kids. Not enough to flip the fish sticks halfway through cooking, but I love them.”

“Mom’s recipe for iced coffee:

1. Have kids.

2. Make coffee.

3. Forget you made coffee.

4. Drink it cold.”

“Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world?” “I don’t know, ask your grandma!”

Funny mum

“Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning, you can braid hair while I pack lunches, and we can all be late.” @simoncholland

“They say women speak 20,000 words a day. I have a daughter who gets that done by breakfast.”

“A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do in a day.”

“Please excuse the mess, my kids are making memories. Of me yelling at them. To clean up the mess.”

“Some days I do yoga and don’t yell at my kids. Some days I scream at them while eating cake over the kitchen sink. It’s called balance.” @katiebinghamsmith

“I love it when I find myself screaming ‘STOP SCREAMING’ at my kids. That’s how I teach them irony.” @motherhoodandmore

“A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’ He said, ‘Call for backup.’ “

“Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then silence is suspicious.”

“One minute you are young and cool, maybe even a little dangerous, and the next you are reading Amazon reviews for birdseed.” @simoncholland

“Why was the house so neat on Mother’s Day? Because Mom spent all day Saturday cleaning it.”

“Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his mom was in a jam!”

“What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!”

“What did mommy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.”

“What kind of sweets do astronaut moms like? Mars bars.”

“Why is a computer so smart? Because it listens to its motherboard.”

“Finally my winter fat is gone. Now I have spring rolls.”

Mum's smile

“What’s black and white and goes round and round? A penguin in the washing machine.”

“Why did the bean children give their mom a sweater? She was chili.”

“I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.”

“I always say if you aren’t yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them.” Reese Witherspoon

“Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home.” Phyllis Diller

“The majority of my diet is made up of foods that my kid didn’t finish.” Carrie Underwood

“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.” Michelle Pfeiffer

“There are no rules in this house. I’m not like a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.” Amy Poehler, Mean Girls

“Kids are challenging. Wine is necessary.” Kelly Clarkson

“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” Jenny McCarthy

“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I come out.” Erma Bombeck

“Sleep at this point is just a concept, something I’m looking forward to investigating in the future.” Amy Poehler

“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” Nora Ephron

“You know how once you have kids you never ever pee by yourself again? At least one of them is always in there with you at all times.” Jennifer Garner

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